The Reality of War

Sometime in my young adulthood I became familiar with something I call “painful knowledge.” Painful knowledge is stuff you don’t want to know but probably should. It’s things you don’t want to hear but can’t forget once you do.

Long before we started sending troops to the Middle East I’ve been supporting the men and women who serve this country, but the Iraqi war stepped that up so much that I get calls weekly from tearful mothers whose children are headed over or grateful ones whose children just returned.

Nearly all the soldiers, sailors and Marines I have spoken with put on an impressively brave, strong face for me but the following exchange between myself and a sailor named Mike compels me to share the painful knowledge our young men and women are learning every day in “the sandbox.”

Sent: Thursday, July 26, 2007 9:32 AMSubject: SITREP #7 - Greetings from Mike
Shipmates/friends/family,Greetings to all, wanted to get something out in between what continues to be a very busy schedule. I keep speculating that maybe we will get a break here sometime soon, but I know it's just a mind game that I play with myself. There are so many over here that have it worse than I, so there will be no complaining on this end.I was out recently visiting some of my Sailors, just out chatting with them and thanking them for what they do everyday and one of them asked me how long we had been mobilized, and I said since early January. He reminded me that we are already over 200 days, with only around 80 more to go. I was honestly floored, because it has literally been a whirlwind since the beginning with so many moving pieces. It really kind of got me focused, and reminded me of all the things that I haven't checked off of my list yet. I wonder if I have missed anybody in my travels, have I overlooked a Sailor because I was too busy, are we meeting the needs and pushing our Command Philosophy strongly enough? " Navy Customs Battalion SIERRA will build on the foundation of expertise and the accomplishments of previous missions in order to provide exceptional customs inspection services for returning service members and cargo. We will exemplify the Navy Core Values of Honor, Courage, and Commitment to build a team that works together to enable individuals to become better citizen-Sailors."The Triad Leadership team, the CO/XO and myself developed this early on, and we try our best to live up to it each and every day. We know it's a tall order, but we want each and every Sailor under our charge to leave this deployment a better person, a better Sailor and a better American. I just go through moods of self-reflection wondering if we have missed something. It's mentally and physically draining to take the problems/issues and concerns of over 400 Sailors to heart, but that's what we have and they deserve all that we have to offer. Sleepless nights are the norm, but that's ok because each time my cell phone rings I have an opportunity to help one of our Sailors - maybe it's a REDCROSS emergency message involving family, maybe it's someone who got in a wreck (very scary as over 90% of accidents on Kuwait roads end with at least 1 fatality), maybe one of our Customs Inspectors found a FRAG bomb and they are waiting on EOD, maybe one of our Sailors got a call from his/her spouse and they are threateing to harm themselves or other family members....the list goes on and on. But trust me on this one, my life is never dull and I honestly cannot believe the issues we deal with on a daily, usually hourly, basis. We were recently up visiting our Sailors at Khabari crossing (K-crossing), this is the border crossing between Kuwait and Iraq. This is up at the front lines, and I worry about my Sailors up there, it is a potentially very dangerous place. Anyway, they look at our returning service members (Army) Humvees and Armored Personnale Vehicles (APV's) as they return on missions from Iraq. We were out on the line when 4 vehicles were returning from a mission, and it was the most amazing thing. Out climbs kids ranging in age from 19-25, and the Convoy Commander was a Sergeant (E-5). This Sergeant has more responsibility than most people can fathom or will ever have in their lifetimes, because when they escort the convoys up into Iraq, y'all see on the news what happens sometimes with the IED's. This kid of only 25 literally has to make calls that could mean life and death for his soldiers, I have so much respect for these guys. So my CO and I passed out some of our battalion coins, shook all of their hands, loaded them up with Gatorade, and thanked them for what they do on a daily basis. Of course, they shook it off as nothing, but believe me, these are our real heroes and we let them know it that day. Speaking of heroes, I want to share an e-mail that I got from a friend of mine who is serving in the Navy Nurse Corps at the Lundstuhl Medical Center in Germany. If you ever are having a bad day, I invite you to put yourself in her shoes for a moment ,I'll bet you your day isn't as bad. Yet she performs her job professionally, honorably and without complaint. I'm extremely proud to call her my friend, and thank god we have folks like her who do the real dirty work of war. It's not pretty by any stretch of the imagination and I pray for her and the other Sailors at the hospital every day. I pray that they are able to remain strong and healthy as they do their absolute best to return some sort of normalcy to these service members lives. Her story is very graphic, honest, and it is a tough read. But we are at war, and this is a real story, not the bullcrap they put on TV everyday back home. In closing, I again want to thank the folks who continue to stay in touch with me even if only by e-mail. When I get the rare chance to go through the personal letters, it's easily the best part of my time here - thanks so much!! God speed to all.Mike Subject: It's July ... 107 days plus a wake up!
July 19, 2007

Guten Tag Everyone!

I have received many, many emails from most of you asking if everything is OK, that you haven’t heard from me in several months as I was emailing monthly sharing what we are doing here in Germany and my travels. Thank you to those who missed my long emails and asked me to continue. I am sorry that I fell out of doing that so I’ll try to explain why.

Let me start out by saying that “I am proud to serve, and honored in what I am doing with the wounded warriors here at Landstuhl.” I have been in a ‘rut’ and feeling down. I am 47 years old, homesick and tired of missing my husband, my daughters, my parents, my dog, my friends, my house, my job, everything! This is one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life that I can remember. 350 Navy Reservists have been taken away from their lives and put them on hold for more than a year. It is tougher than I ever imagined it would be! This I could handle but what we see everyday, what we deal with everyday, trying to live and manage in the ‘Army’s world’ this is t he hard part of our mission! The injuries that I see each day at work has left marks on my heart, my soul, my spirit and are forever in my memories. I know why few military ‘talk’ about war, about what they’ve seen and been through because it makes them more permanent and tougher to deal with each time you talk about it. Living the horrors again and again is draining and it doesn’t get easier.

I haven’t wanted to tell any of you how it really is here because it would take away from the wounded warriors we take care of everyday. Our wounded sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, best friends, granddaughters, grandsons, whatever category they fall into. I only told my husband recently some things but not all as I don’t want him to worry anymore than he already is and I can handle it until we leave here, in 107 days and a wake up!

All Navy personnel live in condemned Air Force housing on an Army installation and these buildings will be torn down when we leave here and thank goodness the Navy replacement group coming in after us fortunately will NOT be living in these buildings. I live on the first floor and on really warm days, we are not able to open our kitchen and dining room windows as directly below the windows is a stairwell that goes into the basement that has a three to four inch layer of ‘sewage sludge’ and the smell, well I think you understand. Yes, I have pictures! Our balconies have layers of mold growing on them that the housing authority, Air Force says if it bothers us, we can ‘scrub’ it off ourselves! Our apartments even though we clean them, never look like we do! This is Landstuhl, now at Vogelweh, there was actually mold inside rooms and we had some personnel that were having allergic reactions to it and had to be moved (to other condemned buildings!) and told that if it bothered them, they could paint over it. They had carpeting in their rooms and I can’t begin to describe the smell … it took weeks of arguing with both Army and Air Force to get them to clean the carpets. The sad thing is that most of our junior Sailors are here but they made the best of a bad situation. Navy was told we could rent carpet cleaning machines and clean it ourselves! Those living at Ramstein Air Force Base, also live in very similar condemned conditions! Plus we have construction that has been going on where we all live at the three different locations since we arrived last November, not good sleeping for the ones who work nights! There are also Army room inspections that are conducted quarterly or when new company commanders take over. They come into our apartments to check that we all have ‘red’ mattresses on our beds and if we signed for curtains that they are hanging. I am NOT kidding. Now the kicker is that for those who work nights, they check their rooms and wake them to check to see their red mattresses!

Let me share with you that every month Army has a 4-day weekend planned. Now you are all saying, how wonderful you get a 4-day weekend every month. I did not say it’s a Navy 4-day weekend, WE DON’T get it! Our Army counterparts do. During this 4-day that includes Friday and a Monday, our wounded warriors arriving from down range (Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait) are NOT seen in Clinics because the clinics are closed! Navy has been fighting this since we’ve arrived. One of my fellow co-workers, a Lieutenant says it best, “they obviously didn’t get the memo there’s a war going on”. And then you wonder why Walter Reed happened …. Hmmmmmm. Landstuhl Regional Medical Center has a saying, “Selfless Service”, well I say it’s “Selfish Service”. I was so excited to get here to be involved with Army medicine … thank God; Navy medicine and Navy arrived here. I can’t explain more than that and I pray and hope that Navy keeps coming in because OUR wounded warriors need Navy medicine! Rank really doesn’t mean much here in Army world unless you’re well Army. Oh, I almost forgot about “Sergeants time on Thursday from 0730 to 1300, again, Navy doesn’t get that either. I am NOT complaining because Navy wants to do the mission we’re here to do but we do expect it to be fair, after all we are ‘joint service’, right? I have really tried to be a ‘suck it up Sailor’ and keep my mouth shut, and just do what I’m here for but I’m loosing steam. The fight is constant and draining, physically and emotionally. Army also has authority over Navy to deny passes and leaves, which they exercise and has happened to me but its OK because when that’s happened we’ve been very busy receiving large numbers of wounded warriors and that’s why I’m here, not on a European vacation.

Another difficult part is that I am TOO old to have room mates. We get along but are so different and we are middle aged adults and have been forced to live with casual acquaintances that we barely know and it’s tough! I mean it’s really tough but again, I can do it because at the end of the day, I get to walk, I have both arms, both legs and I know I have a good life back home. I get to ride my bike out of the hospital and leave our wounded warriors there until the next morning or next day I work, so it’s all good.

I grew up hearing ‘sea stories’ from my Grandpa when he was in the Navy during WWI. My Dad was in the Marines during the Korean War and I heard some of his stories and my brother got out of the draft for Vietnam because he was in college and it ended during that time frame but I remember watching the news and I grew up with how Americans felt about being involved in Vietnam. I am proud to serve my country and know that what I am doing here at Landstuhl was to be part of my destiny, I was suppose to be here, to do what I am very good at doing. But it comes with a price. How do I explain to my daughters and husband the sense of pride I feel being in the military and sacrificing time that I am not with them? That I don’t get time back to celebrate last Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mother’s Day, my oldest daughter Nicole turning 21 on 07-07-07, that I’ll miss my first year wedding anniversary with my husband in August and my youngest, Samantha turning 16. I am in the angry and depressed stage because on my days off, I don’t want or have energy to do things.

I am exhausted because when I am at work, it takes 110% of my being and soul to listen, to explain, to understand and to cry along with our wounded warriors. I get to see firsthand, in person the ravages of this war, this “Enduring Freedom” campaign we as a nation have taken on. I want us all to go home but we can’t. I have come to the realization that this war will go on for many years and the cost to America’s sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, cousins, girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, best friends, granddaughters, grandsons has been and will continue to be very high.

Try to imagine listening to a young adult describe in such vivid details of how his unit/company hit an IED and how he saw his/her ‘buddy’ die as they watched and were not able to do anything to help. Imagine listening to details of the war-front so horrible, so unbelievable of what is being done to our troops that you get physically ill just listening but you have to listen because there is a cleansing need for the soldier/sailor/marine/airman to tell someone their story. They can’t tell their wife, husband, mother, father, brother, sister, friend because the details and fear of what they’ve seen and experienced would be too much for them to handle. Try wheeling the lucky 24 year old soldier with an external fixator on his lower leg from the Ortho floor up to ICU to see his ‘battle buddy’ who lost both of his legs, and is on a ventilator. The 24 year old asks you to help him stand up from the wheelchair. You steady his arm as your 25 years of nursing experience pulls at you and you tell he really needs to sit back down but you watch as he gently leans over and kisses his buddy on his forehead and then sits down in his wheelchair and asks to sit there for a few minutes as he holds his buddy’s hand as tears are running down his face and yours. And you know again, this was a moment meant to be in your destiny.

I literally get a ‘sick’ feeling in my stomach as I begin my day at 0400 (getting up at 0300) as I read medical information on the wounded warriors that will be arriving that day. Some of their physical and emotional injuries are so horrible, so devastating it’s hard to believe. I meet and greet the bus that brings them up the hill to the hospital from the flight line at Ramstein Air Base. Myself and a Chaplin greet each wounded warrior as they are off loaded from the bus by a manpower team of 6-8, we use their first names, we welcome them to Landstuhl, to Germany and tell them that they are safe, and we’ll take good care of them. They are so grateful, they squeeze our hands, say ‘thank-you’, some can’t talk as they are on ventilators and sometimes they cry, for those who know me, I’ve gotten better at not crying but I when I leave work, I usually cry on my ride home or in the shower. I pray constantly for strength to continue my role here until I leave. Most of these wounded warriors are the same ages as my oldest two daughters and it’s difficult. We get a lot of amputees, one leg, both legs and sometimes an arm that has been ripped off by an IED blast, an RPG or mortar attack. Try to imagine how life changing this is going to be for a 22 year old, went to Iraq and now going home as a bilateral AKA (both legs cut off above the knees). Now, spin in the emotional impact this 22 year old now faces for the next 50 years or more, could you handle it? Now, add the fact that I know the military healthcare system is incredibly deficient and not really capable of helping this 22 year old or it will be short lived and this 22 year old will be forgotten or lost in a system already bogged down and in serious trouble. I have nightmares about this and it’s always on my mind. I can’t stop thinking about what we sending them back to. How will they deal with their injuries, how will their families deal with them?

Now change gears from the inpatients to the ‘walking wounded’ that I talk to as we need to send them back to CONUS (US) or back down range to Iraq. The military is now dealing with its form of TBI (traumatic brain injury). These injuries are a result of exposure to IED blasts, mortar blasts, RPG blasts that literally shake the body so violently from the force of these explosions; the brain gets bounced against the hard bones in the skull, I refer to it as ‘adult shaken-baby syndrome’. The results and symptoms vary person to person but usually are constant, severe headaches so bad, they can’t sleep, dizziness, difficulty concentrating, difficulty thinking, difficulty with memory both long term and short term, and photopho bia where daylight forces the wearing of sunglasses and the light itself makes the headaches worse and loud noises and sounds can’t be tolerated, irritability and aggressiveness are also part of the symptoms experienced. This affects 18 year olds to 57 year olds. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to talk with someone with a positive TBI as tears well up in their eyes because their head hurts so bad it interferes with everything they do and they can’t remember their wives name, their girlfriend, their parents, their kids, the name of the town they grew up in or what State they are from or how old they are? Some have memory problems so severe and symptoms so severe, we have to admit them to the hospital. I had a 18 year old boy from Indiana, a Marine, he was so cute and tried to be well, a Marine tha t while we were talking, he stopped mid-sentence, looked at me and said ma’am, I’m scared, I miss my mom but I can’t remember her name or where I live and he had tears in his eyes and said he could really use a hug from his mom, so I hugged him and it was a death grip hug as he cried for a long time on my shoulder and I knew I was suppose to be there at that moment for him. This, my friends happens a lot. All TBI patients that are positive can not fly commercial as they must fly military air because their memory is so affected that they will get lost and forget where they are suppose to go and will panic, just as we would do. It’s heartbreaking to talk to the TBI wounded warriors. I try to tell them they will be ok, it will get better for them but at the same time I am so afraid of what lies ahead of them when they leave Landstuhl. What has been exactly set up for them when they get back to the US? And the worst part is knowing that most will go home, get ‘fixed’ and be back to Iraq. I’ve already seen repeats.

It’s depressing and the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life but it’s taken its toll on me and on those around me. I tell my girls all the time to ‘thank’ anyone they know is or has been in the military. Say prayers for all in the military and for our leaders to give them strength to make huge decisions that impact all of us, pray that somewhere, someway OUR Warriors come home! Everyday I am at Landstuhl, I thank our warriors for their service to our country, I thank them as Lieutenant Commander USN, and I thank them on behalf of my family and friends for their service and for what they've given for us.

I am sorry this turned out to be so long but I wanted to tell all of you how it is here and what we deal with everyday. I know it could be worse, I could be sitting in a tent in the middle of a desert so life isn't so bad. I’ll be so happy to get back home to my routine, my life but know that I will come back forever changed from this experience. I hope to see many of you within the next 4 to 5 months. Next time, I won’t be so long, so graphic, so depressing. God Bless Everyone!


My reply to Mike:
Well both of those were difficult to read. In my position I'm trying to uphold the spirits of the family members of the very men and women you and your nurse friend are talking about, and there wasn't much here I felt I could share. It really IS hard to be positive in the cold light of reality isn't it Mike?

I did share your paragraph about the ages of these men who jumped out of that humvee. The 25-year old E-5. Lots of responsibility indeed....sure leaves me wondering what it's all for this time. rough!

Two weeks ago I was on what now seems like an unbelievably carefree family vacation. All my brothers and sisters and my parents on the beach in North Carolina. It was nice to leave all this behind me for a few days.....after reading these emails I almost feel guilty for having such a gift in my life. Then I remind myself that my father served our country for 20 years as I was growing up and maybe he earned a little of it for me. I don't know anymore. But I'm going to share our family pic with you so you will know me a little bit as I'm getting to know you. (I'm the only one wearing shades.)

Mike, hang in there. Please know that what you're doing is making a difference in so many lives. And when you write to your nursing friend, consider sharing my email address with her. She talks of all the things she CAN'T talk about to anyone because it's just too much, too horrible, too unforgettable. But doesn't she really need to tell it to someone too? Doesn't she need a safe place to fall? I volunteer to be that place if she ever needs it. Same for you. I completely understand and agree that your family members don't need to know the grisly details, but this woman is a nurse in a war, for heaven's sake! She's got me if she needs me. Just tell her it's an opportunity to let go of some of this stuff...she needs it whether she knows it or not.

Keep up the good work, you make me very very proud...of you, of the U.S. Navy, of our country.

God bless those who serve,
diane


Diane,So sorry about the delayed response here, seems our schedule sometimes turns into a non-stop marathon. As I read your note, I am reminded of thoughts that I have also concerning our job here, our mission here, are we really making a difference in the big picture of the world and the US?? And as much as it hurts when I think about what our kids are sacrificing here, like their lives, I just wonder when and if it will end.In my travels with my CO, we go out and visit the service members here on the front lines and in the field hospitals. We go around and shake all their hands, thank them for their service, provide moral support, let them know we and everyone thinks of them as heroes etc, but it's beginning to wear on us. I'm not going to tell you what we see in the hospitals, but I find myself alone at night sometimes in deep reflection with a higher power asking and wondering why and how this can be happening. I honestly thought I was a tougher person and leader, but over time, the reality of war wears on your soul, but enough of my whining. I did share your e-mail address with my friend, but doubt seriously she will take you up on your offer, she will continue to put on her brave and positive face, and deal with the hard part on her own terms.The CO and I are off to the country north of Kuwait, so my time is short on the computer.Anyway, just wanted to write a note and say "thank you so much" for your continued support of the great Americans and their families who continue to serve over here. And believe me, you have nothing to feel guilty about enjoying the time off with family, you can't imagine what your little notes and concern for our heroes means to them and me. Take care, and I will update all soon.Sincerely,Mike